Missing the Most Important Man in My Life

I am moving my Friendster blog entries here in Letters from Spica. Originally posted on March 13, 2007, this is one of my most read entries.

My Tatay was a retired Philippine Army Second Lieutenant before he had myocardial infarction (He was a heavy drinker and a chain smoker), making his lower limb totally paralyzed. He never wanted to use a wheelchair for his mobility and opted instead to use a tungkod. We saw how he fought that depression coming over him. He was losing one of the greatest battles in his life…

He was very ma-pride so even though we knew that he was having a hard time coping with his condition, we let him do his thing. At around every 6 in the morning, I would be awakened by an AM news broadcast, while he noisily prepares a brewed coffee. His grip was badly affected so there were times na nabibitawan nya yung tablespoon and cup. Then he would recite his litany in mixed Ilocano and English about his hatred against the Philippine government, how it is neglecting the AFP personnel, and those politicians doing nothing but to make their wallets fat.

Despite his condition, his rules still dominated our house. He even painted TV HOURS on our wall so that we would be reminded of what we should accomplish each day before watching TV.  He did that sked way before he was sick. Yung TV kasi namin before ay de-susi at sya lang ang may hawak ng susi. He would just allow us to watch TV soon as we’re done studying our lessons and homework. Every time we arrive from school, we have to report to him what we have done the whole day. He would cry every time I would show him three stars on my quizzes and assignments. That’s when I learned what tears of joy means!

I never regret being subjected to his house rules. They made me realize that everything has its own sweet time. Pag pinilit mo kasi ng di pa oras, mabibigo ka lang…Passing days even made him more physically weak. His suffering was killing my Nanay. My Tatay never wanted to be confined in the Philippine Veterans Hospital and be taken care of by a nurse cousin. Mamamatay ako kung mamamatay ako is what he would always say whenever we insist to bring him to the hospital.

One evening, I heard him call me from his room. Bunso… He asked me to keep him company until he falls asleep. I refused to keep him company that night because I was too absorbed by the television program. That night, I had this dream: I was in a fairy tale place. A fairy asked me to make a wish and I told her I wanted a mountain of candies and goodies! What do you expect a six year old girl to wish then?! When I was granted the wish and had consumed a part of it, I had a toothache, which caused me to lose my front tooth. Crying over that toothache, I heard my Nanay crying from that fairy tale place. I have no idea then about the myth on the ‘connection’ between losing a tooth in a dream and death of loved ones. I eventually woke up and rushed to where my Nanay was, beside my dying Tatay. How can I ever forget this moment? Me and my two older sisters started to cry. My Tatay can no longer speak a word. He just gestured us to come near him and touched our faces for the last time. Then he was rushed to the hospital. My sisters and I never stopped crying until our Nanay arrived. She hugged us very tight and said “Wala na ang Tatay nyo…”

My Tatay was declared DOA in the hospital. I can’t clearly remember everything that followed after. All I could remember was the pain of losing my Tatay… The disease caused his death. He was 63 when he left us. He was more than 20 years older than my Nanay when they were married.

It took me 18 long years to finally put these things into writing. Up to these days, I still cry really hard every time I remember my Tatay. There are things I confront now, personal battles that is, that badly need his fatherly advice. I basically grew up without a father. My Nanay never remarried. She told us that she would never love any other man than my Tatay. I still keep their love letters dated early ‘70s. My Tatay’s codename was Blue Hawaii, while my Nanay was Baby Blue.

Before we moved from Makati to Cavite in 1996, it was very easy for us to visit my Tatay in Libingan Ng Mga Bayani since it is very near our home then. But things are far more different now…

Why I am writing all these things now? Wala lang. I’m just missing the most important man in my life…