Ninja

This is not supposed to be the topic of my blog now. I don’t even know if this would give justice to my hiatus from WordPress. The topic I started several hours ago seems vague, even when I’ve written almost an entire page for it. It should be clear to my mind first. What’s happening to me? I tried to surf on some sites. Stared from my window and saw the scary dark night. Even if I’ve just saw my celebrity crush, Coco Martin, nothing can’t seem to inspire me to blog. I was just planning a day before that if I can get to finish a blog now, I’ll write a status message on FB about what inspired me to blog again. It’s barely an hour before this day ends. And yet, I’m just re-starting to blog. Inspiration. In what form will it come to me? Goodness gracious. Talk about another writer’s block.

Ninja. It’s not the ninja most people know nor does it refer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Tryin hard to sound funny). The ninja I’m referring to is a slang term for people who disappear without a trace. I’ve met a lot of them. I don’t know why I’m prone to meet people, or specifically guys, like them :(

Ninja One. He used to be my ideal man. My young heart felt so blessed that I’ve met him. But the frequent visits were trim down to none. The next thing I knew was were off. No explanation. I’ve almost drowned my self from tears and took me almost a decade to finally accept that we’re not meant to be. He’s happily married now.

Ninja Two. I have this college crush whom I’ve been ‘spying’ on online for quite some time now. But knowing that a really good friend likes him a lot made me suppressed my feelings. I wanted to think that he likes me as well. But I’m dismissing the thought (Sorry, I can’t help my self to become so ‘feeling’ at times…). I’ve realized that my poor heart no longer deserves to hope and assume. Guys can make you feel ultra special, but they don’t mean it. They don’t mean it because they’re just like that to a lot of girls as well.

Ninja Three. The time I was recovering from my Ninja One, I asked God for some few signs for the next man that I’ll fall in love with. When I started with my second job, God granted all those ‘signs’ and found them all to this guy. He even asked me to marry him. Now, he’s married to someone else.

Ninja Four. He’s a straight forward guy who told me that he likes me and so bold enough to say that maybe, I’m the one he’s been looking for all along. Giving our selves the chance to know if we’d click, I found out that he doesn’t really like me at all. He asked me for more than what I can give. And that’s all he needs to say to turn me off. And then he went ninja per my permission.

Ninja Five (‘Cant believe they’re five). He’s a humble man and I appreciate he’s being so trusting and very vocal about his mom, dad, and sisters. This guy made me think that maybe if we’re not meant for a romantic relationship, we’d click as good friends. I like his personality. But our chats and his calls abruptly ended. I don’t even know if he’s been to the Philippines recently. He said we’ll meet, but we never. I hope nothing’s bad happened to you, friend. To be honest, nag-alala ako more than disappointed. I hope you can read this. Don’t worry, friend. I’m honestly not expecting anything romantic between us. I just know in my heart that you are a good person who can also be a really good friend. Take care wherever you are.

Some of the guys I described here have been mentioned and discussed in my previous blogs. Whenever I try to go back to what had happened, a bit of loneliness still creeps in. I know I should have been writing more on topics that I ought to write about – earthquake in Haiti, incoming Philippine presidential election… So sorry. Sometimes, as much as I wanted to focus my writing more on socially relevant issues, personal issues get in the way…

Meeting ninjas is sad. Maybe something is really wrong with me. Or maybe they’re meant to become ninjas that way. Or maybe, someone who’ll stay is yet to come. As Michael Buble’s song goes ‘I just haven’t met you yet…’

Good evening, everyone! Err, Good morning, rather

When You Don’t Want Your Name to Be Called, Yet

They say that hearing your name is music to your ears. That is probably true especially when your name is uttered with beautiful and/or positive statements or announcements. I can’t forget the time I won at least 2^nd place in an essay writing contest back in college when I represented Cavite State University’s College of Arts and Sciences in Indang. Victory was out of context because I was starving the time I joined. I was supposed to have lunch first before sitting at the contest room and torture my brain to write a masterpiece. But the contest coordinator suddenly called me up in the corridor to say that the contest will start in a few minutes. Huwatt??!!! That’s all I can ever say at my mind. Without any objection, I entered the room with empty stomach, almost wanting to cry because of self pity seeing the faces of the other contestants fully prepared. I was literally hearing the grumbling of my stomach, noisily interrupting my busy mind. Lol!!!!

This was the same feeling I get during graded recitations back in the university. Though I reviewed and prepared, my confidence doesn’t amount to my capacity to deliver impressive answers to any questions. How can I forget the time my name was called up to recite the summary of Shakespeare’s Hamlet (Or was it Macbeth?) in class? Waahhhh! My face was blushing red in tense, nervousness, fear, and lack of confidence. And my hands were sweating terribly I can almost soak my hanky on it. Lol! I was able to recite it, but boy, I almost consumed the entire period just for that. Lol!

It’s certainly like one hell of a panic attack when you hear your name with really-not-so-good, ear-pleasing statements or announcements. Like last night in our Christmas party. I was praying hard to win one of the major appliances in the raffle. Then suddenly I heard my name being called for. Not for the laptop, home entertainment, DVD player, iPod, or flat TV. But for one of the minor appliances. The thought of me not having the chance any more to win any of those major items made me disappointed. I wanted my name to be called up in the raffle winners, but not at that time yet. Just imagine my disappointment made more awkward by the ‘kantyaw’ of my insensitive officemates when I was receiving the raffle prize. People can be so pathetically insensitive and careless sometimes.

Then came the FilWeb Idols part, the talent competition for each department and the highlight every Christmas party in our company. We know that our presentation is not way behind those of other departments. It was our (my) first time to dance Singkil or folk dance for that matter for a contest (My extracurricular activities back in school were more on essay writing contests and spelling bees and not for performing arts). But it was an ‘Earth, please swallow me now’ moment when I heard the hosts announced that the Writing Department is the first placer. Meaning to say, we no longer hold the throne of being the champion. I saw the disappointment registered on the faces of my team, most particularly for Resty and Ate Me-An, whom we just ‘imported’ even if they are not officially part of the department, and for Nikki and Allan, the babies in our team who experienced the Christmas party in the office for the first time. My disappointment was more for them. I suddenly became so sad I felt a pinch on my heart and heavy breathing. We tasted defeat as if we never became losers ever.

Maybe we just don’t deserve it. Or it’s really not meant for us after all. We played the game the best that we can. I learned that when a bitter situation confronts you face to face, you must try to remain silent and composed. Handle the situation and behave as a thinking person. Don’t stop believing that God has a reason for everything.

Blessed evening, everyone!

Some Revelations I Used to Be Afraid, Hesitant, and Shy to Share…

This was originally posted on my FS blog on December 2, 2006. I’ll soon write a follow up to this, a much updated version. This re-posted entry has some few tweaking. I just want to share (again) my thoughts and experiences on some things…

LIFE
Should be entrusted to God completely

POLITICS
Most people who are into it are lured by the desire to gain power and money and not by the devotion to serve (God’s) people. It sucks.

PHIL. GOVT
It thinks Filipinos are gullible. But Juan Dela Cruz’s race thinks and acts like one at times, especially during election. So depressing. Beware of the ultra dirty traditional politicians. Mas may silbi sana sila nung dumating sila Ondoy, Peping, at Santi kasi kelangan ng maraming trapo nun panlinis ng maruming kapaligiran (Weeehh.. bad girl… Got it from an entry in Chico and Delamar’s Top Ten in RX Monster Radio)

FAMILY
Second to God. People who’ll love you as you are and help you grow closer to God.

FRIENDSHIP
Truly an amazing God’s gift. No commitment and yet true love resides.

RELATIONSHIPS
Should be an extension of one’s best self. Don’t be into it if you haven’t found yourself yet. It’s not the missing piece that would complete you. That ultra special someone should complement you.

“The most amazing love is the one you have for yourself. And if you find someone who love the YOU you love, then that’s just fabulous..”(Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”)

SINGLE BLESSEDNESS
If you’re not happy being single, then you can’t be happy if you’re in a relationship as well.

IDEAL DATE
Anywhere that stars (Hey, Spica!) and the moon can be seen best

SWEETEST THING(S) THAT A GUY CAN DO
Sing me a song. Laugh at my super corny jokes.  Pray with me.

WORST THING THAT HE CAN DO
Make me feel that I don’t exist

PEOPLE I CONSIDER MOST WONDERFUL
Those who speak their minds without even trying to impress; those who talk about how much they love their family; those who express their religious faith without bragging how his/her soul would be saved come doomsday; those who dream big and put their hearts on it; those who have scarred soul but stay beautiful

THING THAT CAN FREAK ME OUT AND LOSE MY RESERVED PERSONALITY
Insult me or hurt anyone in my family

UNPLEASANT BEHAVIOR THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL EXTREMELY UNWORTHY
Scream at my face. It would make me cry in an instant. My Tatay never even did it to me when he was still alive.

ONE OF THE MOST DARING THINGS I EVER DID
Raced through a bus stop to look for my English 23 Instructor (Who extremely disliked me because I’m part of the student paper that she considers “pasaway.” We write articles in the paper against her then because she’s way abusive of her being a teacher) in a bus where I suspected her to be to pass my thesis proposal. The bus had then started to move and I was like crazy looking for her when all along I knew that she had noticed me na. And when I finally saw her, I insisted that she has no reason whatsoever not to accept my proposal. Kasi sabi nya she will not accept propposal once she reached Trece Martirez where she lives. The ride was then halfway through to Indang-Trece boundary and she was like delaying her decision so I would be rejected.

She gave me 3 on the subject. The lowest grade I ever received all my school life, in one of the subjects I like best. One major move that crushed by cum laude dream I promised for my nanay..

MAJOR EGO-BREAKING THING I DID IN 2006 (as of Dec1)
Phoned in someone I’ve been praying to talk to, to ask for a time when we could “settle” “unsettled things.” The talk never materialized (I’m sooooo over this by now anyway. Closure has found its way to my soul last 2007 pa).

ONE OF MY FONDEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
Ate an orange crayon! ‘Was so curious about what would happen when the orange crayon mixed with my red, young blood. I was like 4 or 5 then. My Tatay almost suffered from panic attack.

ENCOUNTER WITH A TERROR ELEM. SCHOOL TEACHER
It was my first time to see a giant world map almost the size of the entire blackboard. I was so amazed by its hugeness that when my teacher called my name to show to the class where an Asian country is, it took me forever to locate it. She was so yamot that she held my head against the board (while I’m praying that may the floor swallow me whole) while screaming right to my face: LAKIHAN mo kasi ang mga mata mo!!!

My enraged nanay showed up to the guidance office the next day. Then I saw my teacher reported to the principal’s office that afternoon, head down. Since then, I became traumatized to teachers with short curly hair, thick eyeglass, big rolling eyes and pregnant-like belly. And since then also, I promised to myself that no one can ever make me feel so ‘tanga’ again. Ever.

ADVICE THAT MY TATAY ALWAYS TELLS ME WHEN HE WAS STILL ALIVE
‘Wag kang papa-api..”

One of My Most Important Realizations as a Writer

It just came to my senses again when I read a friend’s blog. It haunts me at first. But I am more definite now.

Few years back when I was an active student writer, my pen tackles mostly issues concerning the studentry, Philippine politics, and other matters majority of the people would simply not care about, even if they concern them. My ink was designed solely for these topics I considered it a sin not to tackle or made mention any of them in my Culture Clash column and all my articles. I embraced my idealisms wholeheartedly. I felt like I could help change the world through my pen. I never felt so human since then.

Pen is mightier than sword. Through writing, I believe my ink could speak for the condition of my fellow students and the suffering people. My fear that I might not graduate because one of my major subject instructors and our college dean were so mad at me was lesser than my ‘call’ to fight for what I believe is right. Never had I imagined that I’ll be so used talking to the university gods whenever an issue of our paper is released. I learned how to speak up bravely and stand for my idealisms. Even if it meant losing my cum laude bid, losing some friends, and gaining more enemies.

That was my ink. When I stepped into the corporate world, I continue with my writing. But my writing changed direction. My idealisms (unconsciously/suddenly) took a back seat and embraced the demands and requirements of the business world. If before my ink is flaming red with the socio political issues I fearlessly write, now, it’s like a perfume giving good smell equivalent to admirable reputation for companies, products, and services. I become even more dedicated to my craft and profession as a writer.

Then, I thought about my being a student writer back in college. Have I already forgotten it? Have I completely given up on my fight through my ink? Have I years after university? Every time I read a newspaper or watch news, I can’t help but to feel so bad, frustrated, and disappointed. I’m still mad over the selfish politicians and cruel and abusive people existing on this planet. I’m still enraged over those things.

But what I’ve realized is that, no one can change the world over night. You can’t write about feudalism, bureaucrat capitalism, and imperialism when you are living luxuriously in the comfort of your own home, eating more than three times a day, and socialize with people ignorant of the face of poverty. You can’t write about these things when all your clothes, accessories, personal effects, and even your ‘pambahay,’ is Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Prada, Lacoste, and Ralph Lauren. You can’t claim that you know the pain of people suffering from abuse and extreme hunger when your stomach is always filled. You can’t get people to believe in you when all you’re writing about is miles apart from how you live your life. I see leaders of famous party list groups very vocal about condemning the Philippine government and the U.S. imperialism, but living a life luxuriously and spending holidays in Uncle Sam’s land.

I don’t want to be like that. If I were to persuade people, encourage them to fight for their idealisms, to care for others, to give a damn about what’s happening in our society, I want them to see my own idealisms and beliefs not only through my writing. I want them to see it with the way I live. Practice what you preach. That rule very much applies to this case as well.

When you are too absorbed by the idea of making everyone buy your idea, you have the tendency to forget the very nature of what you wish to convey. And when that happens, you’re not becoming faithful with the idea of using your pen to the cause that you want to uphold. And you’ll consequently never find fulfillment in that.

I may not be writing what I used to tackle when I was a student writer. But now, being a writer by profession, every time I write something about a company, a product, or a service, I always see to it that I infuse some touch of my being a Filipino and my home land. This, I think, is one simple action I can always do and make people see and believe

“…In your Most Unique Way…”

Originally posted on my FS blog on April 18, 2009, the following entry (and the action) I did is/was one of my most daring

During the first day of my Speech Class back in college, our instructor told us to introduce our selves in our most unique way (to be presented the next day). As shy as I was, this came as a really BIG PROBLEM to me. So the moment I arrived home, I spent my time scribbling my ‘script’ for the unique way of presentation. I wanted to stick with the instruction given to us — unique. And so I came up with one of my most daring presentations ever in the class (I’m keeping this piece all these years. And this is the unedited version of it, so please bear with me:)

See this face, this pretty cute face? Okay, this face (with all the expressions required), this physiognomy, this anatomy I have, is the combined chemistry of my mother, Mrs. Editha Doterty Cuaresma, and my late great father, Mr. Florentino Esguerra Ravina. Oh! How I miss my father. He died when I was only six years old. Anyway, wherever he may be, I know he’s proud of me, having a kind and intelligent daughter like me. Okay guys, just agree with me, agree with me.

You know, I have always wanted to be a beauty queen. A beauty queen! Yes, you heard it right! They say that you have to have 3Bs – beauty, brains, and body in order to become a beauty queen. The beauty, uhum… I know, I’m really that beautiful in my own way. Body.. well, I have to admit that I was not given voluptuous body like that of Ruffa Mae Quinto and Jessa Zaragosa. But one thing for sure, I have the brains of course, all of us have the brain (stupidity intended . And I am proud to say that my brain is taller than my height. Really, I can’t help myself to act as a real beauty queen. Let me demonstrate that to you:

(I was then trying to lampoon here a beauty contestant who was mocked by the audience because of her bizarre answer and behavior)

Host: Good afternoon, everybody! Welcome to the 2001 Binibining Pilipinas. For our first candidate, let’s have Ms. Edralin Ravina. This is your question. What would you prefer to have, being beautiful or being smart?
Me: Well, uhum…QUIET PLEASE! I think, I would prefer being beautiful, because what is intellect if you are not beautiful, di ba?

So much of that. Actually, I can do better than that – in actual scene. A lot of my friends really wanted to hear me sing. But, I’m afraid I might be discovered. It is only at this moment that I want my golden voice to be heard. Uhumm, okay guys, hold your breath! “Pagdating ng panahon…. Sana ay mahalin mo rin..”

Really, I know how to sing. But actually, I don’t know how to dance. Really, I, I (attempting to do some movements resembling dance steps, while shamelessly displaying my two left feet.. lol!!!) don’t know how. Can somebody out there teach me to?

Okay fine. You have seen so much of me. But, you haven’t seen me acting. Vilma Santos, Nora Aunor, Maricel Soriano, Sharon Cuneta… they just borrowed my acting talent. You want me to prove iit?!! Okay, fine. (In full emotion and tremendous internalization) “I.. DID NOT KILL… ANYBODY!!!!”

I feel as if the muscles on my face stretched. Before I forgot, I have to remind you, guys and gals, that I AM A VERY VERY SHY PERSON. But I lost it, just now…. 

Wheeww!!! That was one challenging, yet fun college experience there.