Ninja

This is not supposed to be the topic of my blog now. I don’t even know if this would give justice to my hiatus from WordPress. The topic I started several hours ago seems vague, even when I’ve written almost an entire page for it. It should be clear to my mind first. What’s happening to me? I tried to surf on some sites. Stared from my window and saw the scary dark night. Even if I’ve just saw my celebrity crush, Coco Martin, nothing can’t seem to inspire me to blog. I was just planning a day before that if I can get to finish a blog now, I’ll write a status message on FB about what inspired me to blog again. It’s barely an hour before this day ends. And yet, I’m just re-starting to blog. Inspiration. In what form will it come to me? Goodness gracious. Talk about another writer’s block.

Ninja. It’s not the ninja most people know nor does it refer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Tryin hard to sound funny). The ninja I’m referring to is a slang term for people who disappear without a trace. I’ve met a lot of them. I don’t know why I’m prone to meet people, or specifically guys, like them :(

Ninja One. He used to be my ideal man. My young heart felt so blessed that I’ve met him. But the frequent visits were trim down to none. The next thing I knew was were off. No explanation. I’ve almost drowned my self from tears and took me almost a decade to finally accept that we’re not meant to be. He’s happily married now.

Ninja Two. I have this college crush whom I’ve been ‘spying’ on online for quite some time now. But knowing that a really good friend likes him a lot made me suppressed my feelings. I wanted to think that he likes me as well. But I’m dismissing the thought (Sorry, I can’t help my self to become so ‘feeling’ at times…). I’ve realized that my poor heart no longer deserves to hope and assume. Guys can make you feel ultra special, but they don’t mean it. They don’t mean it because they’re just like that to a lot of girls as well.

Ninja Three. The time I was recovering from my Ninja One, I asked God for some few signs for the next man that I’ll fall in love with. When I started with my second job, God granted all those ‘signs’ and found them all to this guy. He even asked me to marry him. Now, he’s married to someone else.

Ninja Four. He’s a straight forward guy who told me that he likes me and so bold enough to say that maybe, I’m the one he’s been looking for all along. Giving our selves the chance to know if we’d click, I found out that he doesn’t really like me at all. He asked me for more than what I can give. And that’s all he needs to say to turn me off. And then he went ninja per my permission.

Ninja Five (‘Cant believe they’re five). He’s a humble man and I appreciate he’s being so trusting and very vocal about his mom, dad, and sisters. This guy made me think that maybe if we’re not meant for a romantic relationship, we’d click as good friends. I like his personality. But our chats and his calls abruptly ended. I don’t even know if he’s been to the Philippines recently. He said we’ll meet, but we never. I hope nothing’s bad happened to you, friend. To be honest, nag-alala ako more than disappointed. I hope you can read this. Don’t worry, friend. I’m honestly not expecting anything romantic between us. I just know in my heart that you are a good person who can also be a really good friend. Take care wherever you are.

Some of the guys I described here have been mentioned and discussed in my previous blogs. Whenever I try to go back to what had happened, a bit of loneliness still creeps in. I know I should have been writing more on topics that I ought to write about – earthquake in Haiti, incoming Philippine presidential election… So sorry. Sometimes, as much as I wanted to focus my writing more on socially relevant issues, personal issues get in the way…

Meeting ninjas is sad. Maybe something is really wrong with me. Or maybe they’re meant to become ninjas that way. Or maybe, someone who’ll stay is yet to come. As Michael Buble’s song goes ‘I just haven’t met you yet…’

Good evening, everyone! Err, Good morning, rather

Some Revelations I Used to Be Afraid, Hesitant, and Shy to Share…

This was originally posted on my FS blog on December 2, 2006. I’ll soon write a follow up to this, a much updated version. This re-posted entry has some few tweaking. I just want to share (again) my thoughts and experiences on some things…

LIFE
Should be entrusted to God completely

POLITICS
Most people who are into it are lured by the desire to gain power and money and not by the devotion to serve (God’s) people. It sucks.

PHIL. GOVT
It thinks Filipinos are gullible. But Juan Dela Cruz’s race thinks and acts like one at times, especially during election. So depressing. Beware of the ultra dirty traditional politicians. Mas may silbi sana sila nung dumating sila Ondoy, Peping, at Santi kasi kelangan ng maraming trapo nun panlinis ng maruming kapaligiran (Weeehh.. bad girl… Got it from an entry in Chico and Delamar’s Top Ten in RX Monster Radio)

FAMILY
Second to God. People who’ll love you as you are and help you grow closer to God.

FRIENDSHIP
Truly an amazing God’s gift. No commitment and yet true love resides.

RELATIONSHIPS
Should be an extension of one’s best self. Don’t be into it if you haven’t found yourself yet. It’s not the missing piece that would complete you. That ultra special someone should complement you.

“The most amazing love is the one you have for yourself. And if you find someone who love the YOU you love, then that’s just fabulous..”(Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”)

SINGLE BLESSEDNESS
If you’re not happy being single, then you can’t be happy if you’re in a relationship as well.

IDEAL DATE
Anywhere that stars (Hey, Spica!) and the moon can be seen best

SWEETEST THING(S) THAT A GUY CAN DO
Sing me a song. Laugh at my super corny jokes.  Pray with me.

WORST THING THAT HE CAN DO
Make me feel that I don’t exist

PEOPLE I CONSIDER MOST WONDERFUL
Those who speak their minds without even trying to impress; those who talk about how much they love their family; those who express their religious faith without bragging how his/her soul would be saved come doomsday; those who dream big and put their hearts on it; those who have scarred soul but stay beautiful

THING THAT CAN FREAK ME OUT AND LOSE MY RESERVED PERSONALITY
Insult me or hurt anyone in my family

UNPLEASANT BEHAVIOR THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL EXTREMELY UNWORTHY
Scream at my face. It would make me cry in an instant. My Tatay never even did it to me when he was still alive.

ONE OF THE MOST DARING THINGS I EVER DID
Raced through a bus stop to look for my English 23 Instructor (Who extremely disliked me because I’m part of the student paper that she considers “pasaway.” We write articles in the paper against her then because she’s way abusive of her being a teacher) in a bus where I suspected her to be to pass my thesis proposal. The bus had then started to move and I was like crazy looking for her when all along I knew that she had noticed me na. And when I finally saw her, I insisted that she has no reason whatsoever not to accept my proposal. Kasi sabi nya she will not accept propposal once she reached Trece Martirez where she lives. The ride was then halfway through to Indang-Trece boundary and she was like delaying her decision so I would be rejected.

She gave me 3 on the subject. The lowest grade I ever received all my school life, in one of the subjects I like best. One major move that crushed by cum laude dream I promised for my nanay..

MAJOR EGO-BREAKING THING I DID IN 2006 (as of Dec1)
Phoned in someone I’ve been praying to talk to, to ask for a time when we could “settle” “unsettled things.” The talk never materialized (I’m sooooo over this by now anyway. Closure has found its way to my soul last 2007 pa).

ONE OF MY FONDEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
Ate an orange crayon! ‘Was so curious about what would happen when the orange crayon mixed with my red, young blood. I was like 4 or 5 then. My Tatay almost suffered from panic attack.

ENCOUNTER WITH A TERROR ELEM. SCHOOL TEACHER
It was my first time to see a giant world map almost the size of the entire blackboard. I was so amazed by its hugeness that when my teacher called my name to show to the class where an Asian country is, it took me forever to locate it. She was so yamot that she held my head against the board (while I’m praying that may the floor swallow me whole) while screaming right to my face: LAKIHAN mo kasi ang mga mata mo!!!

My enraged nanay showed up to the guidance office the next day. Then I saw my teacher reported to the principal’s office that afternoon, head down. Since then, I became traumatized to teachers with short curly hair, thick eyeglass, big rolling eyes and pregnant-like belly. And since then also, I promised to myself that no one can ever make me feel so ‘tanga’ again. Ever.

ADVICE THAT MY TATAY ALWAYS TELLS ME WHEN HE WAS STILL ALIVE
‘Wag kang papa-api..”

Self Defense

I started to appreciate this guy back in 2006,  when I saw him again after several years. His pains and struggles made us somewhat ‘close,’ I thought. He made me wanted to care for him. But I was holding back the feelings. It was too awkward. My appreciation for him, I guess, wants/needs to take a back seat for now. I don’t wanna yearn for someone who’s attention is not mine. Or maybe, really not meant for me at all. To let go of it and to surrender this aspect of my life to Him, I’m posting this poem for you to mark my farewell to that emotion. Weeh… So emo! LOL!!! I’ve actually made this poem in 2008 pa. The poem is more than a year old already.

Self Defense

Nag-uubos ka lang ng load,

Everytime na nagti-text ka

Ng tungkol sa buhay mo at sa kahit anong bagay.
Wala ka lang makausap,

Sa tuwing pinagti-tripan mo akong asarin,

Na parang natutuwa ka pa

Kapag naiinis na ako.
Common na sanyong mga lalake

Yung magpa-asa, magpa-sakay.

Na pag naniniwala na kaming mga babae,

Bigla nyo kami bibitawan.
Di lang naman

Ikaw ang na-encounter kong

Ganun. Nagkalat ang mga

Tulad nyo. Bakit nga ba nagkalat

Ang mga tulad nyo?
Ayoko na. Siguro

Nag-expire na rin

Kung ano mang paghanga

Na meron ako sayo.

Di mo rin naman kasi napapansin.
Hindi na lang ako aasa na

Baka nga gusto mo talaga ako kausap,

Na somehow,

May puwang na ako

Sa manhid mong puso.
Magbababad na lang rin siguro

Ako sa anaesthesia.

Tulad mo…

Singles

I don’t know if it’s just coincidence or it’s just where I belong to, but I got lots of single girl friends

What’s with us and why we’re still unattached until this time are yes, the most common topics during our conversations. But just like them, I wanna enjoy this stage. This ‘single blessedness.’ And just like them, I wanna end up with the one He has chosen for me. While waiting for our ‘turn,’ we wanna enjoy this ‘stage’ as some music ‘accompanies’ us.

To Jing, Eka, Gina, Glo, Mau, Lyma, Fritz, Karren, Kathy, Barbz,  Ate Rea, Ruby, Abby, Khrisna, this song is for us! ‘ Have long heard this play on the radio. Though I love Beyonce’s original version, I kind’a appreciate this more kasi it’s more relaxed and the lyrics is more clear Enjoy!

Weeding Out

Originally posted on my FS blog on April 19, 2009

Whenever I pray that may He lead me to the man He has chosen for me, it is always with this ‘subwish’ that may He lead me away from those with bad intentions. I have long been praying for this one particular and vulnerable aspect of my life. Some of the worst decisions in my life, I guess, are those related to my emotions. And yes, emotional exhaustion is difficult to cure. This has brought some of my temporary depressions over broken relationships, ‘almost relationships,’ and that sharp feeling of rejection. I have had my heart terribly bruised and worst, have seen it broken into pieces as I cry almost a river of tears. Call it exaggeration, but I am honestly resolved to describe those sad times with these adjectives.

After going through that heartbreaking phase of being an option (well, I was eliminated ) few months ago, just recently, I found myself in another times of gullibility. He was one of those ‘trying to find my destiny’ guy in a chat site who eventually spotted me on web cam. Somewhat confident of his profession, he introduced himself as single, 30-year-old Philippine Marines Officer, claiming a clean slate of no kids and no wife(ves) status. It was this feeling of affinity that made me want to entertain him, his persistence included, because my late father was also a serviceman.

And so we went through that cliché getting-to-know-each-other stage via SMS, with me spending an all txt 20 load each day, which I never did before (I am not into texting that much since I bought my Acer notebook). Basing plainly on his text messages (though we met via chat, this stage was built on SMS since we are both busy on our own careers to go OL always), I have concluded that he is a very honest man who can bravely speak out his mind. So honest that when we discussed this certain topic announced via an FM station, we immediately found ourselves at the opposite end of the pole. It is an important topic for me. And I was so turned off about his views. That was enough for me to bid goodbye to our SMS courtship phase, with a message that goes: “Oh, I think I am not the one you are looking for. Thank you anyway for all your time. Good luck and God bless..”

Was I depressed again after this? NO. As a Christian woman who always feels God’s guidance, I treated it as His way of responding to my prayers: “…may He lead me away from those with bad intentions.” I believe that He is weeding out those men who won’t give me any good and those who will just take advantage of me. God knows all the pains that I went through. The experience is making me see how He works in my life. There was never a time when I felt that He abandoned me or my family.

Weeding out. Maybe this is what He is currently doing with my life. He is preserving me for that man He has chosen for me, for that man whom I deserve and who deserves me.

I am letting Him do his will to me and to my entire family. I believe that His choices are the best. For as long as I am resting my faith on Him, He will protect me against those ‘weeds.’

Love is Here and Now According to Ryu

Guys’ views about love and relationship give me a whole new perspective about these topics. I hear mostly opinions of my girl friends. And most of the time, we always end up with the same views, which makes me realize that I am failing to see the other side of the coin. I’m trying to gather as many views of males as I can to have a ‘balanced’ perception of things. So here, I’m sharing a chat transcript with one of my closest male friends. It gave me a different and interesting insight and I hope you can learn something to contemplate about, particularly all my single girl friends out there who regularly read my blog (Special hi and hello to Karren of Winnipeg   )

Note: my blank lines are emoticons

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:14:40 PM): i thought kasi nagbago ka na po.. na pinagbago na ng marriage ang pananaw mo sa bagay na yan

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:14:47 PM): Me tao kc n n0stalgc, db lagng sa past nkatingn

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:15:07 PM): at you mean to say, ganun ka?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:15:13 PM): Waah. . .An0 b ako?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:15:20 PM): N0pe

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:15:22 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:15:44 PM): Mer0n naman na. . .Here and n0w pers0n. . .

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:16:28 PM): Mer0n din naman na lagng w0ndrin wat d future h0lds

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:17:37 PM): U cn c nmn s acti0ns un. .D lang sa cnsbi nya

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:18:01 PM): Ako kc ung here and n0w

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:18:27 PM): Karamihan sa atin ang ganun

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:18:55 PM): Kaya nga db, ang dali ko mg. I love u. . .Db?

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:19:02 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:19:23 PM): Like wat?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:20:02 PM): Pero un nga malaki ang value sken ng present kumpara sa past

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:20:40 PM): Kc ung past kht blik blikan m0, kung tinalikuran ka na, la n rin value un

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:20:54 PM): how about yung future?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:20:58 PM): Ah

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:21:09 PM):

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:21:16 PM): gusto ko yung forever eh

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:21:32 PM): Db nkadepende sa acti0ns m0 n0w ung future?

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:21:35 PM): wala na bang nag-eexist na ganun, ryu

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:22:07 PM): F0rever edz? Walang ganun. Yun ang reality

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:22:21 PM): Wla kng mkikta gnun.

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:23:00 PM): Pssimstc lng cguro ko pero. . .Myth un para sken

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:23:25 PM): nalulungkot naman ako dyan, ryu

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:23:46 PM): alam ba ng wife mo ang ganyang pananaw mo na yan?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:23:52 PM): Pero pwd nman natin phlgahan at ingatan ang present, kun an0 meron tyo nw, para mpahba ntin

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:24:03 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:24:36 PM): we nvr talk abt it. U want to knw why?

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:24:50 PM): bakit?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:25:31 PM): Sayang an oras para mgwory ng mgwory. . .Wat if ng wat if.

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:25:45 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:25:52 PM): Just enj0y what we have n0w.

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:26:00 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:26:33 PM): Sayang oras tlga, tlgng kmi arw arw we clebr8 our 2gthernes

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:27:46 PM): basta ayoko ng ganung concept

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:27:59 PM):  as if naman hinihingi mo opinyon ko eh no?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:28:06 PM): Oks lng po un

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:28:44 PM): Msarap edz un mas mraming h0pes kesa d0ubts. .

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:28:46 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:28:57 PM): Ntatawa din ako

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:29:04 PM): bat ka natatawa?

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:29:31 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:29:56 PM): Ask my wife , and she’l say wg m n pkawalan yan. . Hehe

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:30:26 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:30:42 PM): Pero pg ako tnan0ng m, the ocean is wide, start fishng

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:31:11 PM): Dpnd nga sa p0int of view eh. . Mgulo b ko

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:31:27 PM): i hate your views!!!

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:32:22 PM): even if the ocean is wide, i’m sure you’ll be tired fishing

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:32:24 PM): Waah. . .Bsta an punt0 ko, iniingatan ko at gngwa ko lahat n mapreserve ung hapines namin n0w.

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:32:47 PM): I d0nt thnk uv startd at ol

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:33:08 PM): started what?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:33:56 PM): Cast ur net far and wide, d0nt settle for mr.Obscure, or mr.Vague, or mr.Enigma

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:34:19 PM): Try to find mr.Crystal clear

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:34:31 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:34:47 PM): Nanerm0n na nga ang lolo m0

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:35:18 PM): Edz. Mahalaga k sken. Lalo ka na sken sa sbdo

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:35:19 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:35:34 PM): Naku naman

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:35:40 PM): dahil sa mga sinasabi mong yan

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:35:54 PM): Charge muna ko ph0ne

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:36:01 PM): mukhang magiging single na ako forever

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:36:06 PM): An0 p0? Lowbt nko

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:36:16 PM): sige po charge ka muna

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:36:26 PM): Waah. . .Mali ata pg.Explain ko

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:36:32 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:37:18 PM): Love kta sis. At mas mhlaga ang hapines n0w. Kesa extacy sa future

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:37:30 PM):

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:38:07 PM): Papiliin kta, 300pes0s ngaun na. O 3000 sa 2015?

ryugeneral (12/1/2008 8:38:42 PM): Ako ung 300ngaun. Kc lht ng bgay. Ngdedevaluate!

edz_ravina (12/1/2008 8:38:55 PM): oo naman no

A Rose Made Me Cry

A male friend gave me a long stemmed, red rose. Although I appreciate the fact that a close friend bothered enough to paint a smile on my face through that rose, I felt more like crying than being happy.

He actually asked me to go with him to a flower shop to buy his girlfriend three long-stemmed, red roses. Maybe he was just too modest and careful not to make me feel so awkward that time. I felt like crying because of self pity. Of envy. Of sadness. Of frustration.

I always feel this way whenever I hear and see how inlove my male friends are. How happy they are knowing that they have already found their ‘one.’ Their cute gestures and expressions whenever they tell me about their girl. How they are transformed into a whole new person. How love changed their life.

That’s exactly the kind of love I deserve. Maybe it’s true what they say that you need to set certain standards. And maybe mine is that. This makes me stay away to and protect myself against those who will just hurt me and those who are simply not that into me.

‘Pa-cute’ and high school types of courtship don’t suit me now. What I want and need is something real, for long term… for lifetime. It’s not as if I need a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Or just to make my officemates and our guards at the office stop making ‘kantyaw’ at me about my being single. Or just to have someone who can bring me over at some fancy restaurants. Or someone who can invite me at the mall to watch a film (oh, am not into movies that much  My idea of having a boyfriend now is far beyond those things.

While I wait for ‘my turn,’ I’ll stay happy for all my friends who are happily inlove right now. And for that rose my male friend gave me, it’ll stay as a sweet and beautiful friendly gift. But I know, the rose and all the flowers that will be given to me by that one exclusive person are starting to find their way to me now.  And yes, I’m looking forward to receiving them personally from him.