Weeding Out

Originally posted on my FS blog on April 19, 2009

Whenever I pray that may He lead me to the man He has chosen for me, it is always with this ‘subwish’ that may He lead me away from those with bad intentions. I have long been praying for this one particular and vulnerable aspect of my life. Some of the worst decisions in my life, I guess, are those related to my emotions. And yes, emotional exhaustion is difficult to cure. This has brought some of my temporary depressions over broken relationships, ‘almost relationships,’ and that sharp feeling of rejection. I have had my heart terribly bruised and worst, have seen it broken into pieces as I cry almost a river of tears. Call it exaggeration, but I am honestly resolved to describe those sad times with these adjectives.

After going through that heartbreaking phase of being an option (well, I was eliminated ) few months ago, just recently, I found myself in another times of gullibility. He was one of those ‘trying to find my destiny’ guy in a chat site who eventually spotted me on web cam. Somewhat confident of his profession, he introduced himself as single, 30-year-old Philippine Marines Officer, claiming a clean slate of no kids and no wife(ves) status. It was this feeling of affinity that made me want to entertain him, his persistence included, because my late father was also a serviceman.

And so we went through that cliché getting-to-know-each-other stage via SMS, with me spending an all txt 20 load each day, which I never did before (I am not into texting that much since I bought my Acer notebook). Basing plainly on his text messages (though we met via chat, this stage was built on SMS since we are both busy on our own careers to go OL always), I have concluded that he is a very honest man who can bravely speak out his mind. So honest that when we discussed this certain topic announced via an FM station, we immediately found ourselves at the opposite end of the pole. It is an important topic for me. And I was so turned off about his views. That was enough for me to bid goodbye to our SMS courtship phase, with a message that goes: “Oh, I think I am not the one you are looking for. Thank you anyway for all your time. Good luck and God bless..”

Was I depressed again after this? NO. As a Christian woman who always feels God’s guidance, I treated it as His way of responding to my prayers: “…may He lead me away from those with bad intentions.” I believe that He is weeding out those men who won’t give me any good and those who will just take advantage of me. God knows all the pains that I went through. The experience is making me see how He works in my life. There was never a time when I felt that He abandoned me or my family.

Weeding out. Maybe this is what He is currently doing with my life. He is preserving me for that man He has chosen for me, for that man whom I deserve and who deserves me.

I am letting Him do his will to me and to my entire family. I believe that His choices are the best. For as long as I am resting my faith on Him, He will protect me against those ‘weeds.’

A Rose Made Me Cry

A male friend gave me a long stemmed, red rose. Although I appreciate the fact that a close friend bothered enough to paint a smile on my face through that rose, I felt more like crying than being happy.

He actually asked me to go with him to a flower shop to buy his girlfriend three long-stemmed, red roses. Maybe he was just too modest and careful not to make me feel so awkward that time. I felt like crying because of self pity. Of envy. Of sadness. Of frustration.

I always feel this way whenever I hear and see how inlove my male friends are. How happy they are knowing that they have already found their ‘one.’ Their cute gestures and expressions whenever they tell me about their girl. How they are transformed into a whole new person. How love changed their life.

That’s exactly the kind of love I deserve. Maybe it’s true what they say that you need to set certain standards. And maybe mine is that. This makes me stay away to and protect myself against those who will just hurt me and those who are simply not that into me.

‘Pa-cute’ and high school types of courtship don’t suit me now. What I want and need is something real, for long term… for lifetime. It’s not as if I need a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Or just to make my officemates and our guards at the office stop making ‘kantyaw’ at me about my being single. Or just to have someone who can bring me over at some fancy restaurants. Or someone who can invite me at the mall to watch a film (oh, am not into movies that much  My idea of having a boyfriend now is far beyond those things.

While I wait for ‘my turn,’ I’ll stay happy for all my friends who are happily inlove right now. And for that rose my male friend gave me, it’ll stay as a sweet and beautiful friendly gift. But I know, the rose and all the flowers that will be given to me by that one exclusive person are starting to find their way to me now.  And yes, I’m looking forward to receiving them personally from him.