Twenty-Something’s Crisis

I felt the need to repost this blog from my FS, which I originally posted on October 20, 2007. This has some additional tidbits, but basically retained the original post. I want to create a new entry related to this..
Katz, Nax, Peter, thank you so much for reading/visiting my blog  :)

I read an article somewhere na when you’re twenty something daw, you’ll tend to experience the so called “middle life crisis.” This, according to the article, is the stage daw when you suddenly become confused about a lot of things: your self, career, relationship and friends. Reading through the piece, I have concluded that I have gone through that stage. Ang hirap, sobra. I hated my self so much. It’s as if i’m not the “thinking and strong edz” as I know my self to be.

I resigned from my work as an Information Analyst in Alabang because I was too burned out. I like the work pero “napagod” talaga ako. From Alabang, I moved to Makati as a web content writer. The American employer was so strict that I can’t imagine my self staying there for another day. So I quitted again. Then came another opportunity from another web services outsourcing firm in Mandaluyong. I was about to start na pero bigla na naman ako nagkaroon ng reservations. Yun, di ko na naman tinuloy. Kahit very competitive sana ng salary and benefits.

Dami ko confusion no’n about my career. But now, I’m very happy na with my work. Kahit sobrang nakaka-pressure, I honestly love the challenge that goes with it. Nahihirapan lang ako sa idea na mahirap makipagsabayan pag sobrang galing ng mga colleagues mo. But so far, I can manage to deal with it the best way that I can. I’m so thankful that God put me in a job na sobrang bait ng employer. My current boss is one in a million. Sya lang ang boss na willing ka ipagtimpla ng coffee just to motivate you to finish your job. At sya lang ang boss na pag pressured and stressed ay nagti-treat ng bongga sa buong office. And sya yung boss na nagre-reflect un faith nya sa buong operation ng company. Anyone in the office pwede nyo tanungin about this. From the guards to the utility people, same treatment sya.

The “middle life crisis” I’ve dealt with also made me so lonely and alone about my being single. “Why can’t I find the man God has chosen for me when I’m actually ready na to commit (again) to a serious relationship.” Para akong tanga thinking that my biological clock is ticking so fast like a time bomb! Hehe…

But then again, I realized.. Ano naman ngayon kung single pa rin ako?!! (Kasi naman po, most of my batchmates are into a serious relationship na or are happily married na!). I have come to appreciate my being single like a bitter pill (sabi nga ni quickmelt sa Youngblood 1). I’ll stick to my faith that in God’s perfect time, the right man will come along. .

I’m just so thankful na na-overcome ko ang stage na yun. Now, i’m more certain that I am a better person. Mahirap yung “middle life crisis” na yun, Grabe! It came to a point kasi na I’m not eating properly na, tapos naging insomniac ako kakaisip ng mga useless fears and confusions. Grabe talaga yung depression ko nun. My family and friends are just so supportive of me to remind me of my worth and lift up my spirit. Prayers help me a lot of course. Yun ang hindi ko winala nung mga panahon na yun..

To everyone who’s going through that crisis, just stay strong and pray a lot.. God knows the desires of our heart..

Basta kasi, sometimes listening to your self talaga is the best decision there is.. And, if somethin is really meant for you, the universe will conspire to make it happen.. God bless everyone!

Missing the Most Important Man in My Life

I am moving my Friendster blog entries here in Letters from Spica. Originally posted on March 13, 2007, this is one of my most read entries.

My Tatay was a retired Philippine Army Second Lieutenant before he had myocardial infarction (He was a heavy drinker and a chain smoker), making his lower limb totally paralyzed. He never wanted to use a wheelchair for his mobility and opted instead to use a tungkod. We saw how he fought that depression coming over him. He was losing one of the greatest battles in his life…

He was very ma-pride so even though we knew that he was having a hard time coping with his condition, we let him do his thing. At around every 6 in the morning, I would be awakened by an AM news broadcast, while he noisily prepares a brewed coffee. His grip was badly affected so there were times na nabibitawan nya yung tablespoon and cup. Then he would recite his litany in mixed Ilocano and English about his hatred against the Philippine government, how it is neglecting the AFP personnel, and those politicians doing nothing but to make their wallets fat.

Despite his condition, his rules still dominated our house. He even painted TV HOURS on our wall so that we would be reminded of what we should accomplish each day before watching TV.  He did that sked way before he was sick. Yung TV kasi namin before ay de-susi at sya lang ang may hawak ng susi. He would just allow us to watch TV soon as we’re done studying our lessons and homework. Every time we arrive from school, we have to report to him what we have done the whole day. He would cry every time I would show him three stars on my quizzes and assignments. That’s when I learned what tears of joy means!

I never regret being subjected to his house rules. They made me realize that everything has its own sweet time. Pag pinilit mo kasi ng di pa oras, mabibigo ka lang…Passing days even made him more physically weak. His suffering was killing my Nanay. My Tatay never wanted to be confined in the Philippine Veterans Hospital and be taken care of by a nurse cousin. Mamamatay ako kung mamamatay ako is what he would always say whenever we insist to bring him to the hospital.

One evening, I heard him call me from his room. Bunso… He asked me to keep him company until he falls asleep. I refused to keep him company that night because I was too absorbed by the television program. That night, I had this dream: I was in a fairy tale place. A fairy asked me to make a wish and I told her I wanted a mountain of candies and goodies! What do you expect a six year old girl to wish then?! When I was granted the wish and had consumed a part of it, I had a toothache, which caused me to lose my front tooth. Crying over that toothache, I heard my Nanay crying from that fairy tale place. I have no idea then about the myth on the ‘connection’ between losing a tooth in a dream and death of loved ones. I eventually woke up and rushed to where my Nanay was, beside my dying Tatay. How can I ever forget this moment? Me and my two older sisters started to cry. My Tatay can no longer speak a word. He just gestured us to come near him and touched our faces for the last time. Then he was rushed to the hospital. My sisters and I never stopped crying until our Nanay arrived. She hugged us very tight and said “Wala na ang Tatay nyo…”

My Tatay was declared DOA in the hospital. I can’t clearly remember everything that followed after. All I could remember was the pain of losing my Tatay… The disease caused his death. He was 63 when he left us. He was more than 20 years older than my Nanay when they were married.

It took me 18 long years to finally put these things into writing. Up to these days, I still cry really hard every time I remember my Tatay. There are things I confront now, personal battles that is, that badly need his fatherly advice. I basically grew up without a father. My Nanay never remarried. She told us that she would never love any other man than my Tatay. I still keep their love letters dated early ‘70s. My Tatay’s codename was Blue Hawaii, while my Nanay was Baby Blue.

Before we moved from Makati to Cavite in 1996, it was very easy for us to visit my Tatay in Libingan Ng Mga Bayani since it is very near our home then. But things are far more different now…

Why I am writing all these things now? Wala lang. I’m just missing the most important man in my life…