Some Revelations I Used to Be Afraid, Hesitant, and Shy to Share…

This was originally posted on my FS blog on December 2, 2006. I’ll soon write a follow up to this, a much updated version. This re-posted entry has some few tweaking. I just want to share (again) my thoughts and experiences on some things…

LIFE
Should be entrusted to God completely

POLITICS
Most people who are into it are lured by the desire to gain power and money and not by the devotion to serve (God’s) people. It sucks.

PHIL. GOVT
It thinks Filipinos are gullible. But Juan Dela Cruz’s race thinks and acts like one at times, especially during election. So depressing. Beware of the ultra dirty traditional politicians. Mas may silbi sana sila nung dumating sila Ondoy, Peping, at Santi kasi kelangan ng maraming trapo nun panlinis ng maruming kapaligiran (Weeehh.. bad girl… Got it from an entry in Chico and Delamar’s Top Ten in RX Monster Radio)

FAMILY
Second to God. People who’ll love you as you are and help you grow closer to God.

FRIENDSHIP
Truly an amazing God’s gift. No commitment and yet true love resides.

RELATIONSHIPS
Should be an extension of one’s best self. Don’t be into it if you haven’t found yourself yet. It’s not the missing piece that would complete you. That ultra special someone should complement you.

“The most amazing love is the one you have for yourself. And if you find someone who love the YOU you love, then that’s just fabulous..”(Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”)

SINGLE BLESSEDNESS
If you’re not happy being single, then you can’t be happy if you’re in a relationship as well.

IDEAL DATE
Anywhere that stars (Hey, Spica!) and the moon can be seen best

SWEETEST THING(S) THAT A GUY CAN DO
Sing me a song. Laugh at my super corny jokes.  Pray with me.

WORST THING THAT HE CAN DO
Make me feel that I don’t exist

PEOPLE I CONSIDER MOST WONDERFUL
Those who speak their minds without even trying to impress; those who talk about how much they love their family; those who express their religious faith without bragging how his/her soul would be saved come doomsday; those who dream big and put their hearts on it; those who have scarred soul but stay beautiful

THING THAT CAN FREAK ME OUT AND LOSE MY RESERVED PERSONALITY
Insult me or hurt anyone in my family

UNPLEASANT BEHAVIOR THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL EXTREMELY UNWORTHY
Scream at my face. It would make me cry in an instant. My Tatay never even did it to me when he was still alive.

ONE OF THE MOST DARING THINGS I EVER DID
Raced through a bus stop to look for my English 23 Instructor (Who extremely disliked me because I’m part of the student paper that she considers “pasaway.” We write articles in the paper against her then because she’s way abusive of her being a teacher) in a bus where I suspected her to be to pass my thesis proposal. The bus had then started to move and I was like crazy looking for her when all along I knew that she had noticed me na. And when I finally saw her, I insisted that she has no reason whatsoever not to accept my proposal. Kasi sabi nya she will not accept propposal once she reached Trece Martirez where she lives. The ride was then halfway through to Indang-Trece boundary and she was like delaying her decision so I would be rejected.

She gave me 3 on the subject. The lowest grade I ever received all my school life, in one of the subjects I like best. One major move that crushed by cum laude dream I promised for my nanay..

MAJOR EGO-BREAKING THING I DID IN 2006 (as of Dec1)
Phoned in someone I’ve been praying to talk to, to ask for a time when we could “settle” “unsettled things.” The talk never materialized (I’m sooooo over this by now anyway. Closure has found its way to my soul last 2007 pa).

ONE OF MY FONDEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
Ate an orange crayon! ‘Was so curious about what would happen when the orange crayon mixed with my red, young blood. I was like 4 or 5 then. My Tatay almost suffered from panic attack.

ENCOUNTER WITH A TERROR ELEM. SCHOOL TEACHER
It was my first time to see a giant world map almost the size of the entire blackboard. I was so amazed by its hugeness that when my teacher called my name to show to the class where an Asian country is, it took me forever to locate it. She was so yamot that she held my head against the board (while I’m praying that may the floor swallow me whole) while screaming right to my face: LAKIHAN mo kasi ang mga mata mo!!!

My enraged nanay showed up to the guidance office the next day. Then I saw my teacher reported to the principal’s office that afternoon, head down. Since then, I became traumatized to teachers with short curly hair, thick eyeglass, big rolling eyes and pregnant-like belly. And since then also, I promised to myself that no one can ever make me feel so ‘tanga’ again. Ever.

ADVICE THAT MY TATAY ALWAYS TELLS ME WHEN HE WAS STILL ALIVE
‘Wag kang papa-api..”

Weeding Out

Originally posted on my FS blog on April 19, 2009

Whenever I pray that may He lead me to the man He has chosen for me, it is always with this ‘subwish’ that may He lead me away from those with bad intentions. I have long been praying for this one particular and vulnerable aspect of my life. Some of the worst decisions in my life, I guess, are those related to my emotions. And yes, emotional exhaustion is difficult to cure. This has brought some of my temporary depressions over broken relationships, ‘almost relationships,’ and that sharp feeling of rejection. I have had my heart terribly bruised and worst, have seen it broken into pieces as I cry almost a river of tears. Call it exaggeration, but I am honestly resolved to describe those sad times with these adjectives.

After going through that heartbreaking phase of being an option (well, I was eliminated ) few months ago, just recently, I found myself in another times of gullibility. He was one of those ‘trying to find my destiny’ guy in a chat site who eventually spotted me on web cam. Somewhat confident of his profession, he introduced himself as single, 30-year-old Philippine Marines Officer, claiming a clean slate of no kids and no wife(ves) status. It was this feeling of affinity that made me want to entertain him, his persistence included, because my late father was also a serviceman.

And so we went through that cliché getting-to-know-each-other stage via SMS, with me spending an all txt 20 load each day, which I never did before (I am not into texting that much since I bought my Acer notebook). Basing plainly on his text messages (though we met via chat, this stage was built on SMS since we are both busy on our own careers to go OL always), I have concluded that he is a very honest man who can bravely speak out his mind. So honest that when we discussed this certain topic announced via an FM station, we immediately found ourselves at the opposite end of the pole. It is an important topic for me. And I was so turned off about his views. That was enough for me to bid goodbye to our SMS courtship phase, with a message that goes: “Oh, I think I am not the one you are looking for. Thank you anyway for all your time. Good luck and God bless..”

Was I depressed again after this? NO. As a Christian woman who always feels God’s guidance, I treated it as His way of responding to my prayers: “…may He lead me away from those with bad intentions.” I believe that He is weeding out those men who won’t give me any good and those who will just take advantage of me. God knows all the pains that I went through. The experience is making me see how He works in my life. There was never a time when I felt that He abandoned me or my family.

Weeding out. Maybe this is what He is currently doing with my life. He is preserving me for that man He has chosen for me, for that man whom I deserve and who deserves me.

I am letting Him do his will to me and to my entire family. I believe that His choices are the best. For as long as I am resting my faith on Him, He will protect me against those ‘weeds.’